So…the hubsters is on his way to India today! We were up super late packing and then were up really early to get him to the airport by 7:30 (we were 15 minutes early, I might add!). Needless to say we are both exhausted. I just spoke with him about an hour ago and they were catching their flight from Jersey to Brussels. They will then fly from Brussels to India, then take a 7 hour bus ride up to where they’re staying. I don’t envy that insane trip! And I think I either ate something weird yesterday or I caught a bug because I feel just awful!Any way…
I’m so excited for Ry and the opportunity to head back to India. Of course I wish I was able to go…but I feel peace about being here and allowing others the opportunity to experience this trip. They are going to be doing some amazing things there. You can follow their journey HERE. As much as I miss him while he is gone, I am so grateful that he shares the same heart for missions as I do. I am so proud when he is able to go on these trips because he grows so much and always comes back with a fresh perspective and a deeper love for the Lord and for me 
As for me, I am finishing out work this week then heading to CA with my friend Susan to spend some time with family and have some much needed girl time! We have a few fun things planned like scoring new finds at the garment district, a trip to Santa Monica and Rachel Ashwell’s new store as well as plenty of sleeping, eating and laughing. It’s going to be so fun! We’ll head back Wed and I’ll spend some time with Ryan’s cousins in Tucson, then clean house in time for Ryan to get home Saturday night! These next two weeks are going to fly by!
I am amazed at how quickly this year is flying by! And already, in one month, this year is proving to be another year with joy, heartbreak, much prayer, many laughs and well as many tears. We found out that my aunt has cancer, we are celebrating the upcoming marriage of two dear friends, while mourning with others who’s marriages are falling apart. We have celebrated other’s newfound pregnancies and have been broken over other’s miscarriages. We have experienced more healing and have grown so much in our marriage, yet we have also battled sickness, long nights of work and have wrestled with God.
I still feel as if starting a new year brought a new start for me. I have been refreshed, I have let go and I have laughed more than I have cried. But a new year and a new start doesn’t always mean everything is perfect. Yes, it is a new year. But each year brings its own battles, its own roadblocks, its own experiences. This past month alone has brought so many trials to friends around us to span a whole year!
Despite the understanding that I have NO idea how the next 11 months of this year will go, for us or those around us, I know that God is in control. God gives and He takes away…yet He promises to those that are faithful, He will never leave them. I am learning so much more about the character of God and the dichotomy between his omnipotence and omnipresence versus His desire to just unconditionally love us and want communion with us. How someone can create the heavens and the earth in 6 days and then just sit with us and mourn with us in our pain is amazing to me. It’s amazing, actually. I do not have to understand why He does what He does or allows what He allows to happen. That is why He is God and I am not. What a joy to be able to just rest in the fact that He is ever mindful of us and calls us by name, while he rules the universe!
Ryan and I are just really enjoying life right now. We have been really intentional about spending time together and just growing in our marriage. The hardships of 2009 have brought us closer than we would have ever thought possible in only 31 months of marriage. From watching him through our journey with Micaela, on stage at church and at home, I have grown all the more in love with him and have appreciated him that much more. I am really grateful for the extra time we have had just being the two of us. I think it will make us a stronger team when more kids come along (and knowing us as kids, we’re going to need it!)
All that to say we are in a really good place. I believe that God brought us through the trials we’ve suffered through to now help others. I still continue to get emails from people who ask how we got through this and others saying their faith has grown so much because of how He has worked in us. It’s amazing. I think He brought us to a place of peace at just the right time to be able to be there for our friends who are not at that place right now. He has grown my heart all the more to develop my spiritual gifts and to use them in new ways.
So we’re learning, we’re growing…and we’re smiling.
“Take no thought for your life.” Matthew 6:25
A warning which needs to be reiterated is that the cares of this world…
the deceitfulness of riches…
and the lust of other things entering in…
will choke all that God puts in.
We are never free from the recurring tides of this encroachment.
If it does not come on the line of clothes and food, it will come on the line of money or lack of money; of friends or lack of friends; or on the line of difficult circumstances. It is one steady encroachment all the time, and unless we allow the Spirit of God to raise up the standard against it, these things will come in like a flood.
“Take no thought for your life.”
“Be careful about one thing only,” says our Lord – “your relationship to Me.”
Common sense shouts loud and says – “That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, I must consider what I am going to eat and drink.”
Jesus says you must not.
Beware of allowing the thought that this statement is made by One who does not understand our particular circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things so as to make them the one concern of our life.
Whenever there is competition…
be sure that you put your relationship to God first.
“Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” How much evil has begun to threaten you to-day? What kind of mean little imps have been looking in and saying – Now what are you going to do next month – this summer? “Be anxious for nothing,” Jesus says. Look again and think.
Keep your mind on the “much more” of your heavenly Father.
This week I realized I am getting back to “me…” I have been pouring over design magazines & blogs looking for new ways to change up my house. Ask my mom, I can’t leave something in my house alone for 6 months. She was so gracious for letting me practice my design skills on her house growing up (love you mom!). The older I get the more I am able to refine my style and see a trend in things I pick. I am in love with stores like Restoration Hardware but I also have a HUGE love of Rachel Ashwell. Blame it on the gallons of glitter and “everything pink” phase of my childhood, but I still go weak in the knees at anything sparkly. Here are some things that I am drooling over lately slash want to incorporate into my house. I’ll post pictures once I change things up!
“Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.” Isaiah 6:8
God did not address the call to Isaiah; Isaiah overheard God saying, “Who will go for us?” The call of God is not for the special few, it is for everyone. Whether or not I hear God’s call depends upon the state of my ears; and what I hear depends upon my disposition. “Many are called but few are chosen,” that is, few prove themselves the chosen ones. The chosen ones are those who have come into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ whereby their disposition has been altered and their ears unstopped, and they hear the still small voice questioning all the time, “Who will go for us?” It is not a question of God singling out a man and saying, “Now, you go.” God did not lay a strong compulsion on Isaiah; Isaiah was in the presence of God and he overheard the call, and realized that there was nothing else for him but to say, in conscious freedom, “Here am I, send me.” Get out of your mind the idea of expecting God to come with compulsions and pleadings. When our Lord called His disciples there was no irresistible compulsion from outside. The quiet passionate insistence of His “Follow Me” was spoken to men with every power wide awake. If we let the Spirit of God bring us face to face with God, we too shall hear something akin to what Isaiah heard, the still small voice of God; and in perfect freedom will say, “Here am I; send me.”
Well it is officially 2010…and can I just say that is so weird to say?? Ryan keeps calling it year “210″ which I laughed at at first, but now I find myself saying it. Here is a little recap of 2009…
JANUARY: My sister in law got married on Jan 3rd…I rang in the new year baking and packaging 150 wedding cake cookies as placecards I got to play hair and makeup artist for all the bridesmaids and the beautiful bride herself! What a fun weekend! We spent some time up at our friend’s cabin in Happy Jack…watched tons of movies, ate amazing food, just relaxed. The last weekend my grandparents came to visit. It’s always fun to have them at our house! Oh, and I became a pampered chef consultant for less than 48 hours
FEBRUARY: India…what an incredibly amazing trip. Honestly, it was life changing. Click HERE to read more about our trip if you haven’t already. I believe that God called us to go on this trip to reveal himself to us in a new way and to prepare us for what the rest of the year held for us. My friend Rebecca got married and I was able to attend her reception in CA! My friend Susan and I took a road trip together to attend the reception, to find lots of treasures in the Garment District and just relaxed from the crazy month!
MARCH: Ryan and I took a group of the college students down to Mexico to build houses for a few days. It was really fun to be able to serve close to home after being thousands of miles away in India. We had a lot of great laughts and it was such a blessing to be around the families and missionaries. Our friends in WA had their first baby…the first baby in our group from SPU! We spent a few days in CA just hanging out with family and using up some of our vacation time. The last weekend in March my mom drove out with one of her girlfriends to visit. We spent a lot of time shopping, laying out at the pool and napping. I just love it when my mama comes to visit
APRIL: Well, I guess this starts at the end of March, but we technically didn’t know until the 1st, but I found out I was pregnant. I had been SO exhausted the whole time my mom was visiting and didn’t feel so hot. I just felt so off and remember telling Ryan, “I seriously think I’m pregnant!” I took a test that morning and it was positive. We planned on keeping it to ourselves for a while, but our hands could just not stay off the phone. We of course didn’t think about the fact that it was April Fools, so we had a few doubters. I don’t think I had screamed on the phone so much in my life! Ryan’s sweet cousin came to visit from Tucson (she was about 8 weeks ahead of me) and we just had a blast getting to know each other better. So fun to have family so close! We celebrated Easter and Jesus’ resurrection with the joy that we were expanding our family. We had our first OB appointment just to do bloodwork and confirm the pregnancy the week after. Ryan went to a conference in CA and met a lot of amazing people and learned so much. He was so excited to come home and share it all with me. April consisted of lots of coffee dates, a few sleepovers with girlfriends while Ryan was gone, baby planning, boxes of saltines and more naps than I ever thought was humanly possible.
MAY: Seattle!! It had been WAY too long since we visited and it felt like coming home. Even though we just went to school there, we still absolutely love being up there. I miss those friends dearly. When Brittany and I lived together we threw tons of parties so we threw one that weekend. It felt like college all over again! Our friends, the Wurzells, got married that week too! We were so bummed to miss their wedding. We decided to switch OBs because the first one did not deliver at the hospital we wanted to be at. We had our appt on the 21st…it was one of the most devastating days of my life. I honestly remember it like it was yesterday. We we able to enjoy a few minutes of watching the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat before we knew anything was wrong. I cherish those moments. But as soon as the nurse stopped the ultrasound and quickly ran out to get the doctor I honestly almost threw up. We instantly knew something was wrong. The doctor explained that she saw what they believed to be a fetal cystic hygroma. She couldn’t confirm it so they sent us to a specialist the following week. I can’t even tell you how the phone calls went after leaving that appointment. I remember the tears, the shocked “whats?!”…everything about that day is forever engrained. We met with the specialist the following week and they gave us the news that although things may change, we should expect to miscarry at any time. I can’t even describe how we felt. The day after Ryan’s family came out to visit and I was so glad he had them here to be able to process with them. The waiting game began.
JUNE: I spent pretty much every day checking for signs of miscarriage. Little did I know that it wouldn’t be until the end of August til we lost her. We found out that we were having a girl. That broke my heart. I of course would love whatever God blessed us with but I have always dreamed of having a baby girl. We found out that she probably had Turner’s Syndrome. We opted out of the genetic testing and decided to just trust that God knew what he was doing. Ryan and some guys from church led worship at Forest Home Ojai and I tagged along. I stayed in Ventura with my family so it was good to see them after all our crazy news and their trip (they went to Germany for 2 weeks on a mission trip). We were also able to make it to Ryan’s cousin Mark’s wedding that weekend. So good to be surrounded by family. Ryan and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary…I came home to amazing pink roses and we went out for dinner. It was a much needed night to just be us and to think of how far we had come in the last 2 years.
JULY: We found out that our sweet friend’s daughter, Kate, had a brain tumor. We had just spent a few days the past month hanging out with them and honestly you never would have known anything was wrong. Beautiful, bubbly, snuggly Kate was going in for brain surgery. Even though we were going to lose our baby soon, I could not even imagine going through what they were faced with. (I hope you’re still following her blog and praying!!) We spent the 4th BBQing and swimming with friends. Even though we didn’t see fireworks it was still a really fun day! Ryan went to Peru a week later as a leader with our HS group from church. He was really excited to go…but ended up spending most of the time in the hospital and under quarantine for what they were sure was the swine flu! He had never been so sick in his life. A friend from Seattle came to visit, I had a sleepover with the kids I nanny for and Susan and I road-tripped out to CA again while Ry was gone. (It’s fun to have some friend and girl time while he’s gone, but I always miss him so much!) Our sweet sweet friends the Holmstrom’s got married on the 25th and I was SOOOO sad to miss their wedding! Miss Sarah was the first person I told that I liked Ryan back in HS so we go way back. I am so blessed by those two! We had our annual “get out of hell” college roadtrip to CA to the beach. It was so hot and I was getting much bigger so it was so nice to have a break. The girls and I dug a hole for my belly at the beach so I could finally lay on my stomach. You don’t realize how much you miss it til you can’t! They all went to magic mountain but I stayed at the hotel and slept, swam and watched movies. Whether it was the pregnant hormones kicking in or just the reality of the situation, it was an emotionally rough week. I was already a month over when they thought I was going to miscarry. We knew that it would now not be a miscarriage but an actual delivery of a stillborn. Still more waiting…
AUGUST: Ryan’s family came out and we spent a week up at our friend’s cabin playing games, kayaking, baking and crafting. It was fun to get to spend time with his family and get myself in some water…my belly was so huge and it was SO HOT! On the 8th my line, babymaecouture, was featured in a fashion show at a local boutique! A big step for my stuff. I started pouring more time into the business and began my flow of steady orders and some regular customers. Some friends of ours asked me to be their wedding planner so I had SO much fun getting to know her better and planning a wedding. It’s always been, well, one of the dreams of mine to be a wedding planner. I love weddings! Ry went on a weekend retreat with Camber but I decided to stay home to have some “process” time. I also really felt the urgency to write out our plan of action for the birthing process and time in and after the hospital and to pack for it, even though I had no idea when that day was coming. We had a short visit with our cousins, a few dinners with great friends, and a lot of “we have no idea what the heck is happening” conversations. On the 24th we went to our OB appointment. Ryan wasn’t going to go since he wasn’t feeling so hot but at the last minute decided to go. God knew I so needed him there that day…it was our “D-Day” as they could not find the heartbeat. The reality of our situation hit us like a ton of bricks and we quickly got into the, well, here we go mode. Our parents quickly got flights and were here the next day. The next day was Ryan’s 25th birthday! It was bittersweet as we spent a lot of the day packing for the hospital, finishing up work and got ready to check into the hospital that night. But we did spend a fun night out at dinner with some friends. I had never been checked into the hospital before so I was super nervous. I’ll spare you the details since you’ve been following our journey, but Micaela Grace was born about 16 hours after checking in. We said our hellos and goodbyes feeling very numb at the crazy surreal situation. We were discharged the next day and spent the rest of the month recovering, grieving and trying to wrap our minds around what just happened. My mom was able to stay with me while Ryan went to our dear friend’s wedding in Seattle. It killed me to miss it but I was so glad Ryan was able to go represent us and be with his boys. We so love those friends!
SEPTEMBER: Our friends, the ones that I was planning their wedding, got married in CA. I was SO bummed that I wasn’t able to go, but I ended up getting really sick and a bad infection after the delivery so I was on bedrest. I heard it was beautiful My dad, brother and sister came out for a weekend to hang out. We did a few home improvement projects, watched old Chevy Chase movies and ate lots of junk…chocolate can definitely fix a multitude of moods I helped Susan with a baby shower with her family and stressed about her going into labor while I was back east. Ryan and I took a MUCH needed vacation to MA & NY. It was the first time since our honeymoon to Hawaii that we took an actual, long vacation together. After many sleepless, bawling and grieving nights it was so refreshing to laugh again, to enjoy the amazing weather, see family and just “be.” We toured Boston and New York and spent a lot of time with family in Chicopee. I also celebrated my 24th! We had planned the trip back in April as our “babymoon”…only God knew that it would come at the most perfect time.
OCTOBER: The day we flew back home Ryan’s cousin from Tucson had her baby girl! We didn’t get to see her for a few weeks but it was exciting nonetheless. Eleven days later Susan had her baby! What an amazing experience that was! I flew home for my friend Holly’s wedding…she was my daycare teacher and youth leader when I was younger and now we’re good friends She looked so stunning! Ryan and I went and saw Steely Dan in concert…and let me tell ya Ry was like a little kid on Christmas. It’s his absolute favorite band and we owe it to our friend for getting us such great seats! It was such a fun night. The next day we went to hear Ravi Zacharias and a few other professors speak at ASU. What an experience! We were challenged and encouraged…what a brilliant team of men who spoke! The day after my girlfriends Aubree & Brittany came down to visit. It was so fun to just be with my girls and reconnect. We pampered ourselves, spent a night up at the cabin, toured Chandler and just had so much fun being silly. I love that those girls can make me fall to the ground laughing! The weekends and nights with friends were such a nice break from the grieving. I also threw a shower for Susan and her girlfriends. It was so fun to have a shower where the baby was already born because we all got to play with him! I am so doing it that way in the future. We were still sad this month but felt fine…like we had turned over a new leaf and were really okay. It was such a relief from the tears.
NOVEMBER: I did my first ever boutique at church and it went so well! I was super overwhelmed but got great responses and lots of orders. So many creative women in one place! We had a lot of dinners with friends, lots of babysitting and a few birthday parties. It was a pretty low key beginning to the month. We drove to CA for Thanksgiving…it was fun to see family and celebrate the holiday but I had a total emotional relapse and felt like I was thrown back onto square one of the grieving process. It was discouraging but also understandable. Thus began my month long funk as I like to call it… Oh, the one joy of this month is that we purchased a washer and dryer! Even though we STILL have not received the stacking kit (our dryer is still in the box in our living room) it made me the happiest person to have clothes that came out clean and unrusted
DECEMBER: This was a rough month. I tried super hard to get into the holiday spirit but it just didn’t happen this year. I don’t know what it was about this year but every person I talked to said it just never really felt like Christmas. I agree. I still enjoyed it though…getting and decorating our tree, listening to Christmas music, baking and exchanging presents. Even though I feel like I came out of my funk a bit, I was still not back to normal. I still had days I wanted to just stay in bed and cry. Other days I was ready to conquer the world. So not myself…whatever that means.
Now it’s 2010…and I don’t think I have ever been so ready for a new year. Even though it’s just another month, something about having a new year begin has already brought renewal and refreshment. Praying that this year brings more joy than heartache, answered prayers and more growth. Thanks so much for going through the 2009 journey with us! And stick around for this year!
I haven’t posted in a while again. I honestly haven’t had anything to write about or felt like posting at all. Life became so crazy with Christmas and work that I just haven’t wanted to do anything else. So I am just posting to post…so you know I’m still alive and still here. Thank you for being patient with me
I am still trying to get used to the fact that I am still not completely myself. I am usually able to balance a platter size amount of things at once yet lately all I’ve been able to handle is my teacup saucer size list. I’m still trying to figure out my emotions…when to allow them to just flow, when to get over it, when to try to snap out of it and when its ok to just stay in bed and do nothing. Weeks are still up and down. I am still relearning what I can handle, how many things I can get done in a week and who I am as a person. I had dinner with a sweet sweet friend of mine the other night and she spoke some wonderful wisdom over me. She said that after huge traumas in our lives we are able to see our true attributes and desires shine through amidst the pain and devastation…we are able to put aside all the things other people expect us to be good at and can stop trying to live up to what people want us to be. We begin to redefine ourselves as who we were truly designed to be a live out what we were made to do. I have been really thinking through that. Who was I truly designed to be? What does He really want me to be doing? What are the things that I do or attributes that I have collected parts of my created, true self and what are not? It has been a very long time since I have not been sure of myself and confident in what I want to do or who I am. I am trying to balance getting back to “normal” and taking our experiences with Micaela and adding that into my life story. I have learned and am continuing to learn so much about grieving.
Can I just talk about Kate for a minute? I know I have talked about her on here a few times, about her precious family and her Crazy Cool Christmas. She has just so been on my heart lately. I mean, of course Kate has but my heart has been breaking for Holly. I had the opportunity to spend some time with her last week and it was so amazing to see her but gave me a greater view into her life right now…a life that I cannot imagine living. God has given her so much peace and strength to get through this. I think about what it was like to lose Micaela, and yet I can’t imagine watching your six year old princess fight this battle with cancer. Readers…Holly needs our prayers. Aaron needs our prayers. Of course continue to pray for Kate’s miraculous healing. But pray for Aaron & Holly. Pray for their marriage. Pray for strength, peace and the ability to make the right decisions they need to make. Pray fervently for sweet Olivia and Will. I just so love this family. I have been so sad for them lately and have really been feeling it on my heart to be on my knees pleading for them.
Ryan and I are in California this week celebrating Christmas with our families. Coming home has been different for me since we lost Micaela. It has lost some of its joy and my heart weighs heavier when I’m here. It is SO good to see family and be with them during this first holiday season without our princess. It’s hard not to think that we were going to be driving out here this time with a three week old baby. Oh how our plans change. I think there’s something about being in your hometown that allows you to let your guard down a bit more…it’s comforting yet challenging. It forces me to face my feelings, to keep processing. And I’m not sure how to feel about that. But I’m happy to be here. Happy to create new memories with family and celebrate another Christmas with my sweet hubby. Here’s to ending 2009 well…
I know it’s been quite a few days since I’ve posted…sorry! Life has been so busy! I’ll bring you up to date on what’s been going on…
I took a job at the cafe at our church to make some extra cash and to help our my sweet friend, Lisa (who runs it) to manage it while she is not there. I worked the past two Sundays and it is so fun to serve at church and be part of the cafe again (I worked there when we were first married).
The boutique last weekend in downtown Chandler went really well! Ryan ran the booth with me and it was so fun to just spend some time together. We sold quite a few items and have some custom orders! Even though it has been going so well and have had incredible feedback on my stuff, it’s still amazing to me that people are buying things and coming back for more items because they are so impressed! What a boost to my confidence I am spending the rest of this month doing custom orders and working through plans for 2010. I’m not sure how it’s all going to look yet, but another boutique will be carrying my line!
I have been doing really well emotionally (Ry too). I have been surrounded by so many prayers and by His incredible grace and I am amazed every day. I get emails and calls daily from friends and others whom I barely know saying that I have just been laid on their heart…and I can’t help but be encouraged. This month is FLYING by–I honestly feel like it’s almost November, not almost January! I better get crackin’ on buying gifts! I’m usually the girl who has all her presents purchased, wrapped and under the tree at least two weeks before Christmas, but this year I’m giving myself a break I’m actually really excited about Christmas and feeling really stress free lately. What a relief.
Holly McRae got me in touch with her sister, Stephanie, this week and got me up to date on Kate’s Crazy Cool Christmas. I went over today to help take at least 50 boxes from the church to their house and then sort and make bags…seriously, all I can say is OH MY GOSH. I have never SEEN so many toys. Their house looks like a Toys R Us warehouse! We just kept laughing because even after 120 bags were filled, it doesn’t even look like we’ve touched the toys! We are now not only distributing to Phoenix Children’s Hospital, where Kate currently is, but we are bringing presents to another hospital in the area too! Amazing! What an amazing family they have! Continue to check out their website and blog for updates on Kate!
Well, I think that’s it! Have a great night!
The City of Chandler is hosting its first ever boutique in downtown Chandler today… and I’ve been invited to participate! I learned a lot from my first boutique at Cornerstone and am excited to be a part of this one.
Come and check it out…it’s from 1-5pm today!
Since I woke up on the morning of our due date and ever since, it feels as if I have walked into a completely different world full of hope, love and gratitude. A woman from church told me that after the loss of her son, the weeks leading up to the actual date, whether it be a birthday, a due date, a holiday, etc. were actually much harder than the date itself. So true. I debated posting my last post as I didn’t want people to worry that I was slipping into depression or anything. I am so glad I did, because I believe that God used that to rally up all those prayers to give us a new light. I received so many calls, emails, even some cards, cupcakes and flowers Thursday that I remembered how it was that we got through the past 7 months. I was reminded of the incredible group of friends that we have and the family that supports us…the safety net that spans across the US and even into India, Germany & Africa. God pulled me out of my funk at the exact moment that I needed it. I was challenged all over again to trust and let Him lead. Ryan and I got some much needed alone time this weekend which made me feel a thousand times better. We went to the movies, picked out and decorated our tree, baked (and ate) lots of Christmas goodies and just laughed. So needed.
I’m encouraged. Now that we have our tree and decorations up, I’ve begun to bake and purchase Christmas presents, I’m feeling much more in the holiday spirit and am reminded why this is my favorite time of year. This is the month our Savior was born…to a mother who had to watch her own baby die up on that cross, so that He could save me thousands of years later. The hope of the world was born; the one who fulfilled prophecies and changed lives. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
I know there are many more hard days to come. Many more days when I will not want to get out of bed or that I will cry for no reason. I think I just realized that it will never fully be “okay…” we will never be over it. We lost our firstborn and things will never be the same because of that. Yet I’m trusting God that He will lift us up every time it’s hard and we are upset. I know His heart breaks over it too. I am believing that His plans are greater than mine and that even though it may look different than what I imagined, His plans are always greater than my own.
Thank you, Jesus, for your unfailing love and plans for a hope and a future.
